Written by @talesofhearts
01
Everyone walking the earth is damaged, if not physically then on the inside.
Check your body, you're not as spotless and scarless as you were born. Check your heart, its not as innocent as it was when you were an infant. Check your emotions, its not as soft as it was when you were naive. Check your habit, its not as clean as you like to think.
Why? Life happened! Life happened to us all. We came to this world perfect but ended up getting wounded in one way or another.
Time is merciful, it heals the wounds but is powerless against the scars.
Eventually some people heal and move on, they are the strong ones. The weak ones however never fully heal, they live in fear of past memories ever coming to life again. They are the ones really scared and they are never able to move on as much as they try.
My phone rang and took me away from my thoughts. I dropped the glass of brown liquor on the glass stool beside me and picked up my phone.
"You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes... You'll be a mess like a bitch i ..." Hot and cold by Katty perry was my ringing tone.
I checked to see who was calling, it was Tracy my colleague at work and only friend. It was a video call, i clicked the receive button.
"Boo boo bear" she screamed from the noisy background.
She was at a party, it was dark but the background on the video call looked like "hard rock cafe"
"Hi Trace" i replied reluctantly, i liked to call her Trace instead of Tracy.
"Where are you?" She screamed.
"I dey for my aunty house, Chevy view estate"
"Ok ... Girlfriend its going down here tonight. I swear Patoranking is here right now" she turned the camera but it was too dark for me to see. The slim guy afar looked like Patoranking and "girlie o" was playing at the background.
"Ok babe, you know what to do now. Order Taxify, uber don dey mad. I dey wait you" she hung up before i could reply.
Tracy was a party rat! I on the other hand didn't like going out but every introvert needs a friend like Tracy to drag her out once in a while so you dont die of depression.
I ordered for a Taxify cab and pulled on a black hoodie sweater, blue jean bumshorts and Timberlands....
Written by @talesofhearts
01 cont
I brushed my hair(all back Ghana braids) and wore red lipstick, i put on my Cynthia Morgan custom nose ring.
"Damn! Im pretty!" I said to myself in the mirror, i smiled and headed downstairs.
My aunt was sitting on the dining table.
"Aunty, I'm going to Tracy's house" i said.
She looked at me through her glasses, her glance alone was judging me. She sighed deeply and asked
"Ego, when are you coming back?"
"Tomorrow morning Aunty" i replied.
She looked at me again from head to toe and said
"This your shorts is too short o"
"Biko biko aunty, cab is waiting for me. See you tomorrow" i hurried out the door before she could probe further.
I overheard her lamenting
"How will this girl find husband..."
I smiled as i got into the cab.
"Hard rock cafe" i ordered the cab and we started the trip.
"Oga whine down, ill give you extra 1k make i just smoke cigar abeg" i pleaded.
The driver was a young guy, he looked at me from the front mirror, i saw his mouth bend in a judgemental manner.
"Ok o" he agreed. Who will say no to extra money in this Nigeria of today?
My aunts last statement came to mind as i lit a stick of my Benson and hedges cigaratte.
"How will she find husband...." Kept repeating in my mind.
I took a puff and smiled, If only they knew i had given up on any form of relationship with the opposite sex.
I took another drag and looked out the window, the cool breeze touched my skin as my mind flashed back to the days i used to love...
This story doesn't have any moral lesson, you wont learn anything positive from it. This is just an outpour of emotions from a damaged girl...
Written by @talesofhearts
02
Back in my second year in university, it was a hot afternoon. I sat on the mattress in John's room and sobbed my eyes out.
"Stop... Please Ego, stop it..." he pleaded, but i burst out crying harder.
John started pacing the room
"This is what I'm saying, you're too emotional. Ego i cant deal with drama in my life right now, i just want to be single and focus on graduating and making money. I don't want a girl friend right now..."
As he paced the room in circles explaining to the walls why he was breaking up with me, it seemed like he was trying to convince himself instead.
I met John nine months ago in church, i fell for him instantly. He was a God fearing worker in "Glory Tabernacle campus fellowship (GTCF).
He didn't woo me with gifts like the other guys who tried, heck John was almost as broke as a church rat.
John accepted me for who i am, initially he didn't bother me for sex ; however six months into our relationship he almost raped me twice.
He would come back on his knees begging
"Its the devil baby"
Well, thank God my roommate came through the first time and the second time my hostel guard shouted through the window if not i would have lost my virginity to him via rape.
I had soft spot for him, he had this puppy eyes and soft teddy beards that weakened me.
Three months into our relationship, our church permitted him to open up a small kiosk in front of the church where he sold cooked indomie instant noodles in the evenings.
I was with him,cooking indomie and frying egg every evening.
Some of my male admirers who tried to get my attention would come around to buy food at night, some would laugh at me while some would say
"Baby girl, leave him and say yes to me. Ill take care of you, you're way too pretty for all these..."
I ignored them all and stuck with John, hustling every evening to deliver noodles from hostel to hostel. Some of my class mates made jest of me.
Eventually the money started coming, he rented a small shop beside the school gate and upgraded to a small restaurant; then John wasn't so humble anymore. He started demanding for sex; John my born again christian boyfriend...
Written by @talesofhearts
02 cont
He stopped picking his calls like he used to, he stopped making me his display picture on blackberry messenger, now he was here breaking up with me.
I remember my roommate Vikky advised me from day one
"Ego you are so naive. Broke guys are usually loyal but when they smell money they change. I just hope you wont regret it"
I never listened to Vikky, i felt John was a good christian guy who had the love of God in his heart. I never knew it would ever come to the point where he began to complain that i was too needy emotionally.
I sat down on the mattress in his room as tears dropped from my eyes.
"How could you?" I muttered underneath my breath.
When the going was good, i never saw traces that this day will ever come; the day my lover turned his back on me and didn't care that i was hurt.
Well, that's how it is. When its all good you never see any sign of future hurt, he seems like an angel sent from heaven.
No pastor or fortuneteller can convince you that he will hurt you in future, because the love seems to pure and true in those moments.
Eventually when it happens, it hits you unexpectedly; Shatters you in the place it hurts most and all you can do to ease the pain is shed tears.
"Madam we don reach o, should i end the journey?" the cab driver brought me back to the present.
"Oh yes please" i replied quickly.
I looked around me, i was at the bar club. Ladies on shiny skimpy clothes and high heels loitered around heading into the club, guys clad in black and blue jean with expensive foot wear escorted pretty damsels inside. I quenched my cigarette and threw it out the window.
I reached into my handbag and handed the cab man his fee.
"Take, and extra one k for allowing me smoke in here. Thanks man" i said as i stepped out the car.
I headed into the club where i would meet Tracy, a little fun on weekends doesn't hurt after all...
Written by @talesofhearts
03
I sat in front of the mirror wearing my make up. I was having mixed feelings, maybe i should just call him up and cancel this date? I didn't have to invite someone else into my life's drama, but it wouldn't be fair on him. I was also itching to see Bryan Amadi.
Bry and i met on Instagram some months ago, we've been talking for over three months now, he is based in Canada. He just arrived Nigeria a few hours ago and we were to meet up for a date, he insisted that he was going to pick me up from home. I was in Tracy's house after partying hard last night with Patoranking.
"Hmmm, so at last you don get bobo" Tracy teased me as she applied gel to the edges of my hair.
"Stop it Trace, he's just a friend"
"Hmmm .... Ok o" she resigned, yet she had that giggly look on her face.
My phone buzzed, it was a text from him
"I'm on the street, the uber i came with is a blue Toyota Camry"
I zipped up my blouse which revealed a little cleavage and hurried out.
"Buy Pizza o" Tracy called after me.
"Hungry girl, ano buy" i replied her scornfully.
As i headed out the gate, my phone buzzed again. It was a WhatsApp message from Tracy.
Tracy: Stingy 😒
Me: 😛😛
I looked down the street, trying to locate the Cab. There was a long line up of parked cars on the street, someone tapped me from behind.
"Ego" he said.
I recognised that voice, it sounded more alive than it sounds on the phone, My heart skipped a beat.
I turned and my eyes jammed his chest, i had to lift my gaze up to meet his face. Lord! He was tall, way taller than he looked in pictures and on video calls.
I knew he was handsome, but the video calls and pictures didn't do him justice. Bry was a fine brown man, his small eyes was surrounded by long scanty lashes, his pulpis was brown, his nose was narrow and he his lower lip was pinkish red. It parted to show a set of beautiful white teeth as he looked down at me smiling.
"Ego, its me" his voice brought me back from my lustful thinking.
I cleared my throat, thank God i was black cos my blushing would have been obvious if i was white.
"Oh hi Bry" i said stretching fort my hands. He looked at me weird and scoofed, then he swept me up in a hug...
Written by @talesofhearts
03 cont
"I'm a huger, not a shaker" he whispered in my ears as he swept me up.
My ears tingled and my heart skipped another beat as i inhaled his husk masculine scent. Definitely a Tom ford.
"Ego you will just die, this one that your heart is already failing at one sight" i told myself.
He dropped me on my feet and smiled, looking up at him he was huge. He made me feel small, for once i liked feeling small.
"So ... I would say lets go back to my hotel, but i don't want to come across as a fuck boy. Where can we hang out?" He asked heartily.
I was taken aback by the way his lips moved when he talked, it was so attractive and i was already imagining what those lips would do to me
"Ego you better calm down, this one is a heartbreaker o" i reminded myself.
Why was i suddenly thinking like a whore? Well ... The only sex partner I've had in two years was a rubber toy which used two batteries. I know right? My life is miserable but i prefer it that way. Peace of mind and no heartbreaks.
"What'u say girl?" His question brought me back to reality.
"Oh ... Ok errmm... I know a place ... Yea..." I stuttered
He smiled and led me to the cab
"Tito's bar, Admiralty way" i informed the cab man.
Bry and i sat at the back seat of the car, he tried to pull me close but i politely moved away. I was feeling too mushy for my own good.
Its been a long time since i allowed any guy come close to me, i mean i have admirers but i was sick of men. I was a lesbian at heart (i was only capable of having and loving female friends) but in sexuality i was straight as an iron rod.
There were days i prayed to become a lesbian, change my sexuality so i can finally do without the evil and dangerous species called men forever; i even tried to try having sex with a girl, but it didn't work out. I couldn't go past kissing, i found pussy so disgusting.
Bottom line, I'm not attracted to women and i never will be.
I told Bry right from our phone conversation that i wasn't ready for any romantic relationship, i didn't have the courage to give my heart to anyone but he seems to think that mentality will change with time ...
Written by @talesofhearts
03 cont 2
I know you all reading this story think that i will fall in love with Bry right? Well maybe i did, but it doesn't go or end the way you all think so stay with me.
"Oga abeg make i give you extra 500 make i smoke cigar" i offered the cab driver as usual.
This one was more friendly, he smiled and said
"Carry on madam"
I whined down the window glass of the car and lit a stick of Benson and hedges cigarette.
"What? You smoke?" Bry asked, his eyes popped and he looked surprised.
I took a long drag, inhaled and puffed it
"Yes i do" i replied recklessly.
I could see the judgement in his eyes, i thought he was a yankee guy who is supposed to me more exposed?
Well, that was his business, its my life and i will smoke when i wana. Maybe cancer will kill me, since i was too scared to commit suicide and i will finally leave this cold world, after all what am i doing here at all?
Its not like i have anything apart from my job or anyone apart from my family to live for. My family loves me, i know but they are obligated to love me, asides them i have no one else.
My parents have four kids and they can do without me when i die...
Written by @talesofhearts
04
We sat at the open bar, the music was low so we could hear each other talk.
"Why don't we go to the private bar?" Bry asked.
"Smoking isn't allowed there" i replied dryly as i lit another cigarette.
"Errmm... Can you hold off on smoking for a while? I don't really like the smell" Bry said politely.
"Oh sorry dear" i apologised with a smile. I quenched the brown cigarette.
I opened my purse and took out a tiny white ortiz Cigarette, strawberry flavour.
"This one smells like strawberry, i said as i lit it.
He heaved a sigh and held back on whatever he wanted to say.
"So ... You smoke like this all the time?" He asked.
I nodded in affirmation
"But its bad for your health, aint you scared you may die?" He asked gently.
I smiled
"Is it so bad to die? We will all be dead and forgotten someday, it doesn't matter what kills who. If you don't die today you will die tomorrow, it doesn't really matter what kills who" i replied him.
"Hmmm... But ain't you scared of how you live your life? After life and all ..." I didn't let him finish before i interrupted him.
"What if its all a scam? After life.. Heaven... Hell..." I puffed another smoke.
The waitress arrived with our drinks, we ordered a bottle of Hennessey and two plastics of cocacola.
Bry poured the drink into the glasses, he mixed his with some cocacola. He was about to mix mine when i stopped him
"No, i drink straight. No mixing" i said.
I lifted the glass up to my lips and took a sip.
"Hennessey is good mehn..." I said with a smile.
"You're a strong girl sha" he said with a smile.
"So i wana ask you a question shuga" he started.
I smiled, firstly because i loved the way he called me "shuga" and secondly because i knew what he wanted to ask me.
"Ok, ask" i replied.
"How did you start smoking?" He asked.
I looked him in the eye and smiled, that question brought back memories. Memories of pain, memories of a wound that left everlasting scars.
My mind drifted off to the past.
**********
Written by @talesofhearts
05
"I love you baby" Joro said as we lay in each others arms.
I had just returned from the bathroom where i went to wash off the blood.
He just replaced the blood stained sheet with a new flowery one.
"Thank you baby, thank you for giving yourself to me. I promise to do everything i can to make you happy" he said as he pulled me close to his hairy chest and pecked my cheek.
It was a dark night, the room was half lit by the light from the television hanging on the wall, the air conditioner was working at full pace and it made the room cool.
I inhaled his scent from his neck, he smelled of after shave. My heart was warm with love, it felt like it was about to explode.
I had just given my virginity to Joro, the love of my life. The love i felt was so much it clouded the slight pain i was feeling in my vagina.
I didn't enjoy the sex, but my heart was filled with happiness.
"Tell me baby, what can i do for you? You want a car? Dubai? Tell me what you want..." He asked me.
I lay on his chest blushing, i felt so loved.
I looked into up into his eyes, he caressed my cheek with his palms and kissed my eyeballs.
I smiled
"Baby, i don't want anything. Just love me, never leave me" i whispered.
That night he held me tight and whispered sweet words into my ears, he promised to love me and cherish me forever.
If only i knew... But i was too naive to know.
At last all the promises were empty, all the material gifts he promised never materialised.
Two months later, he travelled to Abuja.
I remember the last time we spoke, he was at the airport.
"So baby, I'm about to board the flight now. Ill call you when i get to Abj" he promised.
"Ok baby, i love you"
"I love you more" he said and blew me a kiss.
That was it, the last time ...
He never called me, he never picked up at first and eventually his line became switched off. Two days after repeatedly trying to call him, it rang and someone picked up at last, it was a woman
"Good afternoon, Mrs Akintade on the line. My husband has been hospitalised for some days now, i can take a message for him" she said.
It seemed like a dream, maybe i dialled the wrong number...
Written by @talesofhearts
05 cont
I quickly hung up and as i was trying to locate my phone book to see if someone edited Joro's number on my phone, it rang. It was another number, i received the call
"Hi"
"Yes hi, its Mrs Akintade, the line went off and there's no unit on my husbands phone. Please who's this?" She sounded like a nice person.
In my dazed situation i didn't know when i asked
"You are Mrs Akintade?Joro's wife ke? Joro isn't married nau" i blurted out from confusion.
"What do you mean ? My husband and i have been married for four years and we have a son to show for it. By the way who are you?" She asked.
I couldn't take it anymore, the whole room spun around me. I felt my world fall apart in that moment, the phone fell from my hand and crashed to the ground, the battery flew off.
I joined my phone as i fell on my ass to the ground. I kept my virginity for twenty one years, i turned down all the young guys that came my way, i lost relationships for it finally i gave it to a married man.
Why was the world so cruel ? He knew he was married and still he took it all from me? My heart , my time , my body ...
Eventually i discovered he was indeed married, his wife and child were based in Abuja and he was working a contract in Lagos.
I tried to reach him, but his line never went through again. I went to his office but i was told by his former secretary that he was done with his contract and he had returned to Abuja for good.
Joro came into my life and soiled me, he broke me apart and left me shattered.
I added his wife on facebook and saw all her updates about how Joro was in an accident and how he was fully recovered. A part of me wished he died, after all he killed me inside.
I tried finding him on Facebook but i never found him, i remembered him saying he was not a social media person.
I was tempted to contact his wife, but i reminded myself that: "what God has joined together, let no man put assunder"
So i licked my wounds and cried alone.
The mornings after a heartbreak is worse, cold and lonely.
So that fateful day, my neighbor Pablo was smoking weed as early as 05:00am, i was awake and my eyes were red and heavy...
Written by @talesofhearts
05 cont 2
I felt like i was going to die of sadness, i had friends who smoked weed and they said it makes people happy.
I washed my face and went to meet him outside.
"Make i smoke small" i said without greeting him.
He was confused, he looked at me and burst out in laughter. Pablo was a proper junkie, yellow teeth and as slim as death itself.
"You don smoke am before? You don smoke anything before?" He asked
"No, only shisha but i wan smoke this one today" i said adamantly.
He paused for a while as if he was thinking and handed it over to me.
I sat on the pavement and took a drag, i puffed it all out. He jerked it off my fingers
"Ego abeg nor waste my smoke, this one na S.K nor be shisha. when you drag am ehn, you go inhale am like this ...ssssssss..." He made the sound to show inhaling
"Then u puff the rest. Try am" he handed it back to me.
I tried it and i was successful! Three drags and my head spun. Happiness from nowhere filled my head, i felt like my brain was being masturbated and it came to orgasm.
Just like that i became hooked, three drags ....
A lot of you will judge me, some hypocrites will say "because of man"
It will take someone who has loved deeply to know that when your love is taken away from you forcefully, life becomes meaningless.
Joro was my first, a girl never forgets her first. He turned out to be married, everything we ever had was a lie...
********
Written by @talesofhearts
05 cont 3
Bry brought me back to the present
"Talk to me shuga, tell me about you, how did you start smoking?" he asked me
Telling him would mean opening up and opening up would make me emotionally vulnerable and i wasn't ready to become vulnerable in my life, ever again.
I smiled
"Lets leave the past in the past. Its not important" i replied him.
He sat there staring at me, stunned...
My phone vibrated, i put down the glass of whiskey and picked up my phone. It was a bbm message from Tracy
Tracy: oya buy shawarma 😢
Me: Shawarma ko 😛 Ebinna!
Written by @talesofhearts
06
The drive back home was silent, Bry insisted on riding back with me.
"Its not like i know anyone in Lagos, so let me bid time. Besides i enjoy being around you" he said.
I decided not to smoke this time around since it made him so uncomfortable.
He pulled me close at the back seat and pecked me on the head. His breath was a combination of whiskey and his perfume, damn! It was so attractive. His lips were soft as they brushed my skin and i longed to lift up my face and kiss him.
"Ego just kiss him, its just a kiss" i said within me
"Who are you deceiving? Its never just a kiss with you. You will catch feelings. Abort mission ma'am" i cautioned myself and pulled away from his warm cuddle slowly.
He took my hands in his and spoke sofly, in a very low tone.
"Why are you running away shuga? What's making you scared?"
"I'm not scared, i just like my personal space. I told you i just wana be friends, i don't do emotions and relationships" i muttered.
My reply was made to put him off, but he wasn't put off, he persisted.
He squeezed my hands in his warm palm and looked into my eyes, his gaze was intense, like he was peering into my soul. i looked away for fear that if i let him look, he would see through me, but it was too late , he already saw through me
"Why is there so much pain in your eyes Ego? Who hurt you this bad?" He asked gently.
His eyebrows squeezed in a worried frown, he looked calm like an angel. Well, that's how they all look, like they cant hurt a fly until they Hurt you.
"Talk to me shuga, i can see so much pain in your eyes..." He spoke subtly.
I pulled my hand away and reached into my purse
"Oga abeg make i smoke..." I said to the cab driver.
"Abeg no smoke for my car" he said rudely in his Ibadan accent.
I heaved a sigh of frustration, i reached into my bag and brought out a tiny white pill. I don't know the name, i usually buy it from one aboki down my street. It was very cheap but one pill would relax you and get you high for days, i mean days... All you have to do is smoke one cigarette when you feel the effect is fading and the effect comes back.
Bry watched me as i swallowed the pill
"Whats that?" He asked...
Written by @talesofhearts
06 cont
"Some mood relaxers" i replied.
By the time we got to the gate of my house, it was dark and the drug had kicked in.
" I have a family dinner tomorrow, you wanna come ?" He said as the driver parked.
"Errmm... I'm sorry but no, i don't do well around peoples families" i said politely with a smile.
Heck! I don't do well with my own family and they don't even know that i smoke. The day my parents will know, they might just die.
To them Ego was a reckless and stubborn girl who defied societal norms. Despite all my defiance i was doing quite well, i graduated with good grades and i had a well paying job.
"So ill see you after my meeting on Monday then" Bry said looking disappointed.
"Ok Bryan" i replied cheerfully, Highness makes one happy.
He pulled me close and pressed his soft luscious lips on my head, i inhaled his scent for the last time and hopped off the car...
He waved at me as they drove off.
Bry was a fine man, talking to him on phone and video calls for months had drawn me to him.
It was weird the way we started talking, being that i usually shove guys off before they can even come close.
That day i was on admission in the hospital, it was a lonely night and Bry slid into my Dm. Maybe the typhoid affected my brains but we exchanged contacts and spoke all night.
That was the birth of our friendship...
Bry was a fine man who had his life together. He had a successful career and he seemed like a nice guy but i couldn't let myself fall.
Tracy thinks that it takes a lot of courage for someone to be like me(strong and unyielding, enjoying my world of loneliness) but she didn't know it was cowardice.
The fear to give your heart again and risk it being shattered into pieces from hurt...
Written by @talesofhearts
07
Are you still reading this story ? Honestly I'm surprised that i haven't pissed you off already. I mean, how can a girl be so carefree and razz? Ok, so let me continue.
I insisted that Bry dropped me off at my place in Ajah instead of Tracy's house or my aunts at chevron because i needed my private space and my vibrator so bad.
I had a warm shower and lay naked on my bed. Seeing Bryan that evening and being close to him turned me on in ways that i couldn't explain.
My phone rang, his picture appeared on my phone screen. Damn! Those eyes that stared into my soul, My heart sank.
"Hello Bry" i said as i picked up
"Hello shuga, I'm back in my room" his voice was deep and sweet, like a mixture of lemon juice and honey.
"Oh that's good" i replied.
I touched my phone screen and it lit up, i just wanted to see his face again.
"Come on off that light osiso, better don't go and catch feelings" i cautioned myself, so i turned the phone upside down.
"What are you doing right now?" He whispered.
Fuck! His voice was sexy, it made my fingers and toes tingle.
"I'm just on my bed" i replied in a flat tone
"Hmmm... I wish i was there right now.."
As soon as he said those words, my body lost it. I felt my pussy drip with slime.
My heart beat fast and air became scarce.
"Ermm... Bry it was nice seeing you today but i gotta sleep now" i said; in reality it was more like i gotta wank.
"Ok shuga, ill call you up in the morning, sleep tight"
"You too" i replied and with that the call ended.
Written by @talesofhearts
07 cont
The room was dark and the "ox" industrial fan blew at high speed, everywhere was cold.
Why was i suddenly feeling this way? I need to control myself but i found myself reaching for my vibrator in the drawer beside my bed.
I turned it on, it vibrated for a while and went off.
"Fuck!" I said as i reached for the spare battery in the drawer. I changed the battery and turned it on, it started to vibrate.
I must be going mad thinking about Bry this way, but his huge frame and beautiful eyes made my body tingle in the right places. I remembered his smile when we met up this afternoon, his scent when we hugged; i soaked in wetness.
I slid my hands down from my neck down until they cupped my breasts. My nipples were hard already, i licked my fingers and tweaked each nipple between them, it felt so pleasurable.
Memories of his masculine frame when he pulled me close briefly in the cab drove me crazy.
I parted my legs gently and rubbed my wet pu*sy with my fingers. I slid the vibrator inside my wet pu*sy and began pleasuring myself.
"Ahhhh" i moaned lightly
I relaxed on the bed and continued rubbing my clit as the vibrator fucked me, sliding in and out of my cu*t. In my head i saw his face, his smile... i moaned softly
"Oh yes ...."
My breaths became faster... I steadied the vibrator with my other hand as it slid in and out of my pu*sy while rubbing my clit with the rest of my fingers.
The burst of ecstasy took my breath away ... Instantly i became weak and tired.
Satisfaction... I faded away...
Written by @talesofhearts
08
I checked the time, 12:30 pm and he still hasn't called. Normally Bry calls me every morning, latest before 09:00am to say
"Good morning shuga" even if its for a few seconds.
I don't know how, but that call brightens my mornings and makes my day.
"Call him" i picked up my phone to dial his number but another part of me; the pessimistic part argued
"Ego u don dey craze ba? You don dey catch feelings ? Better don't start"
This was what i went through every time i gave a guy chance to get close to me, there was always a constant battle within me.
The voice urging me to give love another chance and the voice reminding me of how many chances I've given in the past that never turned out well.
When Bry calls me, sometimes i want to relax and just enjoy sharing deep feelings with someone that cares but the other voice reminds me of my fears.
I wasn't allowed to enjoy his company so much, sometimes i end the call for no reason
"Bry I've gotta go now, got work to do"
In reality i didn't have anything to do, i was just trying to avoid getting too close to him because i knew this facts in my mind:
Nothing lasts forever, people always leave as easily as they came into your life. Sometimes i wonder why i'm different from the world.
For example I'd rather get hurt than hurt someone else because i couldn't live with the knowledge that i broke someone's heart.
Id rather get killed than kill someone else (even someone trying to kill me) because i cant live with the knowledge that i killed someone else, id rather die and save myself the stress. After all death is inevitable, we all will die someday.
Everytime Bry calls, i wonder if that will be the last time he calls. Not because we quarreled but because that's how it all plays out. This minute its sweet and the next minute it goes sour, they start misbehaving for no reason.
To cut the story short, I'm scared and paranoid, I'm relationship and love phobic because i love my sanity.
I dropped the phone and rolled up a splif of skunk (refined marijuana).
I licked the end of the wristler and cut off the wasted part. After drying my spit i lit the smoke, took a long drag and puffed it out.
Written by @talesofhearts
08 cont
"There's nothing like weed mehn" i smiled to myself.
I picked up my phone and opened Instagram, the first picture on my timeline was Gozie's wedding picture. Wow!
Let me tell you about Chigozie. Gozie as i call him is my ex boyfriend. We dated for eight months, we didn't have sex for the first three months despite the fact that i wasn't a virgin
"Baby i don't want to commit fornication" he would say.
I was glad that i finally found a husband material, i was happy with him. Gozie rocked my world and we were so in love.
It didn't matter that his mother hates me, he shouted her down anytime she tries to antagonize me. I felt safe with him, i knew the password to all his phones, we trusted each other.
"Baby, i don't wana loose you" i whispered in his ears on a bright Sunday morning.
"Me too baby, i wana spend forever with u" he said as he pulled me closer and kissed my head.
"Me too baby, when we get old i wana die first cos i don't know if i can live if you ever die" i whispered in his ears.
"No Ego, i will die first. I'm the man and I'm older" he said.
"OK lets leave the death topic, its depressing" i replied.
I smiled. We cuddled under the sheets, warm bodies pressed against each other.
I felt his dick harden as usual, he placed my hand on it and i took it away.
"But...." I protested
"Shhh..." He said and descended on my lips, he kissed me deeply.
I lusted after him, we made love for the first time after three months of dating. He quenched my sexual hunger and made love to my soul.
I climaxed with tears in my eyes as our souls bonded in one. The love i felt for him was deep, way deeper than what i felt for anyone else.
So we went from "i don't want to commit fornication" to constant sex-having lovers.
Two months later he came to visit me with a bike (okada).
"Baby, where's your car?" I asked him.
"I was robbed this morning, i didn't want to tell you about it over the phone" he replied.
I cried because i knew the financial struggles Gozie was passing through and i knew he desperately needed a car.
A good girlfriend is supportive, a good girlfriend struggles with her man; That is what i did...
Written by @talesofhearts
08 cont 2
I collected my contribution money from my colleagues, the sum of 500,000 naira and gave it to my lover.
"Baby, add small thing and buy a car" i said.
I wanted to support him, show him that i cared.
well, yesterday he married my very good friend.
Turns out he never lost his car, he sold it. He broke up with me three months after i gave him the money with the excuse
"I'm not feeling this relationship anymore, ever since you lost weight things have changed"
Very flimsy excuse!
He never payed my money back, two weeks after the break up he was boat cruising on snapchat with my friend at Taqua bay.
That was my last relationship till date.
I wasn't hurt by the lost money, it was just money and i gave it without expecting it to be returned, i gave it with love from my heart.
I was hurt by the loss, i loved Gozie with all my heart. I opened up to him after abstaining from relationships for a year, i told him all I've been through.
He promised never to hurt me, we planned our future together but he betrayed me with my friend.
The heart of man is deep and opaque, perhaps if it was transparent life would be better.
Yesterday Gozie wed my friend Nneka and she was heavily pregnant.
The wedding colours were the colours Gozie and i planned for our intended wedding, purple and white.
I wonder if he will name his kids the same name we planned too.
My phone vibrated and brought me away from my thoughts, my heart skipped.
Perhaps it was Bryan but when i looked at the screen i was a bit disappointed, it was Tracy.
I shut the ringtone and dropped my phone. I took a drag from my weed stick and puffed...
My sweet white friend, it made love to my brains and brought it to orgasm...
Written by @talesofhearts
08 cont 3
This is why i love being alone.
When I'm alone I'm not scared of loosing my sanity, when I'm alone i don't have to worry if this is the last time we will talk, when I'm alone i don't have to worry if this is the last time we will make love.
It gets lonely at times, but when i remember how hurt feels i take comfort in the joys of loneliness. I've lost my fear of loneliness and now loneliness is my lover, i think i can live like this forever.
I took another drag of my weed stick, my head soared and my brains danced...
I just wanted to be by myself, the
The world was more peaceful that way...
Written by @talesofhearts
09
WARNING 🚫
This chapter may piss you off, you will say I'm over doing the broken hearted girl stuff.
I finished touching up my make up and my phone rang.
"I'm in the parking lot Shuga" his sweet voice resonated from across the phone.
"Ok" i said and hung up.
I grabbed my bag from my desk and stood up.
"Trace, ill see you tomorrow" i said to Tracy.
"Haba, wait for me nau. You know i always wait for you" she lamented.
"Someone is waiting for me" i said heading to the door.
"Hmmm... You go gist me later o"
"No gist Tracy, he's just a friend" i said and headed out of the office.
I tucked my blouse into my skirt and headed towards the parking lot, my pumps hit the ground
"Koi koi koi" and i walked confidently to the parking lot.
This was my third date with Bry and we were headed for a Chinese restaurant.
He drove a car this time around, a silver coloured Lexus Jeep. The cold air from the air conditioner hit me as soon as i got into the car, the air fresher smelt so nice... Raspberry fragrance.
"Hey shuga, how was your day" he whispered in my ear as he hugged and pecked my cheeks.
I could swear that i blushed on my black skin when his warm and soft lips grazed my skin , perhaps it was his sexy voice that made my heart beat really fast (i wonder why he had to whisper all the time) or maybe it was his smile that made air scarce.
"Heart breaker alert Ego! Don't catch feelings, abort mission fast" i said to myself.
"But he's so sweet" i argued with me
"That's how they all are at first, all this smile wey dey sweet you go soon turn heartbreak, you haven't learnt abi?"
Just then i pictured him the way i picture all men, i saw two horns grow on his head and a huge fork in his hand; devil.
He snapped his fingers in my face and brought me back to the present.
"Where did u go to? I said how was your day?" He asked.
"Oh I'm sorry, I'm just tired. My day was good" i replied dryly.
"Its ok" he said pulling me close.
"Whose car is this?" I asked
"Its my mom's" he replied.
He started the car and we drove out of the parking lot. He turned up the volume of the car stereo a little, Wizkid's Ojuelegba was playing from the stereos...
Written by @talesofhearts
09 cont
"Shuga..." He said squeezing my palm in his while he drove with the other hand.
This was too intimate, more intimate than a kiss. This kind of connection brought feelings, it warmed my heart and made me long for more.
"Bry please drive with both hands, also call me Ego, I'm a person not some sort of sweetener" i snapped at him.
He sighed deeply, i could tell that he wanted to protest but he held it back.
I took out my cigarette and lit it.
"Oh no ... Please shu... Sorry Ego please don't smoke here" he pleaded.
"That's why I'm smoking Ortiz, it doesn't smell like cigarette. It smells like strawberry" i replied.
"Its not about the smell, i just don't like seeing girls smoke. It doesn't look good..." Before he finished i interrupted rudely.
"What do you mean? So you expect me to change my lifestyle for you? Why?" I asked angrily
"Not necessarily for me Shuga, but for your health..."
"Its my health Bry, please stop the car" i retorted coldly
"Why?" He asked from surprise
"I'm going home" i said.
That minute Bry lost it
"Whats wrong with you? Why do you make everything so difficult? How can a woman be so stubborn, adamant and reckless?" He scolded.
"if you don't stop this car now, ill hit the windows and draw attention" i threatened him.
He looked at me, released a heavy sigh and parked the car on one corner of the road.
"Ego..." He tried to persuade me but i got out of the car hastily.
I threw the lit cigarette into the gutter and mounted the next keke napep that stopped...
"Ajah" i informed the keke driver.
As i sat in the keke, i replayed the previous events.
I over did it, if i didn't smoke for some hours i wouldn't die but I'm just an addict.
The nicotine keeps my emotions stable and makes me happy. Bry was a sweet guy but this behaviour was me resisting him.
I recognised what was happening in that moment, as usual i was looking for reasons to quarrel with him and break contact to avoid emotional attachment...
Written by @talesofhearts
10
The rice tasted blank in my mouth, tasteless. I could be eating Chinese and having a nice time right now but here i was stuck with stale rice.
I poured myself a glass of red wine from the fridge and lit a stick of cigarette. I had work tomorrow so i didn't need heavy highness if not codeine would have been best for my racing heart.
I relaxed on the sofa in my room clad in nothing asides black satin my house robe.
I took a drag of cigarette and puffed it, the smoke was white and it soared high... High ... Then it disappeared.
Typical definition of love and romance, always fades away. My parents for example, they are married but my dad cheats all the time. Breaking my mothers heart and starving her of sex, i over hear their conversations. My father does everything for his kids but he never does any for my mother, a woman he married, a woman who bore him four kids and stayed with him through thick and thin.
"He was never like this, when this man was chasing me he could lick my feet, he acted like he could die for me! I never knew he can treat me this way" she laments.
My father repayed all the years my mother struggled with him with cheating and sadness, sometimes he insults her verbally and says things to bring her down emotionally. I hear her sobs even though its in audible, sometimes she wonders.
Perhaps its because she bore him kids and added weight, perhaps she has faded in his eyes... Yet the society calls them "happily married couple".
Marriage is over rated, i may never enter into that ever lasting contract of sorrows.
The cold chills of redwine's sweet sour taste hit my glands.
"Mmmm" i savoured it.
I'd rather be lonely... Its hard for many people but easy for me.
Its easier to be lonely than to fall in love, its easier to be alone than to give your heart and share emotions with someone.
Tracy thinks I'm a strong girl, but she doesn't know I'm just a coward. A coward who saw hurt and retreated from love's battlefield, i lacked courage to go back and fight love battles till i win. Id rather stay in my hut and lick my wounds forever till death comes knocking...
Written by @talesofhearts
10 cont
I heard a knock on my door, i hurriedly tied my robe close and headed towards the door.
"Yes?" I asked
"Open up shuga" he replied
My heart skipped, how did he locate my flat? Must be the gateman.
I opened up and Bry stood at my door, eyebrows squeezed into a worry pose. I heaved a sigh
"Come in" i said
He followed me inside and coughed. I put off the cigarette
"Sorry" i apologised
"Its ok shuga" he said.
I loved the way he called me shuga...
"Sit" i said gesturing to the sofa.
He sat down and i handed him an empty glass. I half filled it with red wine.
"Thank you" he said and lifted the cup to his lips.
"Ego ... I want to apologise for the way i spoke to you, I'm sorry..."
"Its ok, I'm sorry for the way i behaved too" i apologised.
He looked stunned, surprised that i can sound subtle.
We sat across each other, holding a stare.
"Kiss him" one mind urged me.
"When you're not mad" my other mind warned me...
Written by @talesofhearts
11
ONE WEEK LATER
Bry hasn't called me all day, it was 01:30pm and the Sunday sun was scotching. He was definitely awake by now.
"Call him" i urged myself
"Better don't try it" the pessimist within me cautioned me.
And so the battle of hearts began.
I decided to check his Snapchat to see if he was awake yet.
I wasn't prepared for what i saw, my heart beat slowed down and breathing became laboured.
Why was i feeling this way? He wasn't my boyfriend and i wasn't interested in him or anyone else for that matter! Why did it break my heart to see him cuddling in bed with another lady on his snapchat.
The caption read:
"She makes life easy"
I was panicking, i shivered. I sought my cigarette but i was clumsy and it fell to the ground.
"Calm down Ego" i said to myself as i lit my brown cigarette.
I took a drag and puffed, another drag ... And another... and another...
"Why are you surprised? What did you expect ?" I asked myself.
Why was i surprised indeed? What did i expect? That he wasn't a liar? That he didn't have any girlfriend as he claimed? That he was an angel?
How can he be? He's a frigging man!
I sipped some whiskey straight from the bottle and i felt the burn on my chest.
"You know what to do, block him from your life" i advised myself.
Another one bites the dust...
I took my phone ,blocked his phone number and deleted his contact off my phone. I also blocked him on WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook and IMO. I deleted him off BBm too...
Written by @talesofhearts
11 cont.
Am i annoying you yet? I told you there's no moral in this story, its just a bunch of rantings from a broken and damaged girl.
Immediately i deleted Bry from my life i realised id been longing to do this, subconsciously I've been looking for an excuse to write him off and delete him from my life. I felt relieved.
It hurt a little, i was quite sad but i gulped my whiskey. I knew the feeling will fade, i was in expert at pushing people away.
At twenty six years old, while my mates were dying after men and praying for husband, i was pushing men and any form of emotional attachment away.
Deep down i felt pity for the ones getting married. Few years from now they will be emotionally miserable, ignored by their husbands and sex starved. Their husbands will cheat on them, they will be forced to take it so they can be considered "happily married". The ones that will stay in the marriage are strong women.
I don't think I'm that strong, some of us are weak.
I'm too weak, I'm not woman enough, i'm tired, i cant do the love thing anymore.
Bry had to go, it was better this way. In my subconscious i was happy to be alone again.
Now i can go back to my lonely life without any fear or getting emotionally attached...
Comment "next" below 👇👇
Written by @talesofhearts
12
Its been two days since i blocked Bryan and life has been ... Well... Normal for me.
I miss him sometimes, i want to hear his voice but i drown myself in liquor and work. So yes, life has been normal.
It was better this way, better feel lonely than heartbroken.
"Shet" i cursed when the ash from my cigarette hit my laptop's key board. As i was trying to clean it out , the burning end of the cigarette detached and burned my laps.
"Fuck!" I cursed even louder.
I quenched the cigarette stick on the ash tray and placed the ice i got from the fridge on my laps. Just then my phone rang, it was an unsaved number, caller ID identified the caller as "Chimamamda".
I didn't know any Chimamanda, i only knew Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie the famous writer and its not like I've met her in real life.
I cleared my throat and received the call.
"Hello" i said.
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line
"Hello, who am i speaking with?" I asked.
"Its me, don't hang up"
My heart skipped a beat, just when i thought it was all over for real. I knew that voice anywhere, it made me feel warm and cold all at once.
I sighed deeply and spoke
"Hi Bry, what do you want?"
"What do i want ? Ego what is wrong with you ? I've been trying to reach you for two days now. Why did you block me off" he asked.
He sounded frustrated, yet i ignored him. His girlfriend probably just left that is why he has my time.
"Talk to me Ego, you're driving me crazy. What did i do wrong ?"
There was silence for a while, I battled within myself.
"Talk to him, he owes you an explanation" one mind persuaded me.
"Don't talk jo, he's just gonna lie. That's how they all lie" another mind argued.
"Ego are you there?" Bry asked impatiently
"Has she gone?" I replied weakly.
I wished i could swallow those words back, expressing yourself makes you vulnerable.
"Who?" He asked from surprise
"Your girlfriend" i replied
"Which girlfriend? I don't have any girlfriend and you know this. What are you saying Ego?"
"Who was the lady cuddling up with you on Snapchat two days ago? The one who makes life easier?" I accused him.
There was silence for a while and then he laughed really hard...
Written by @talesofhearts
12 cont
"Whats funny?" I asked.
I was getting really angry, how dared he laugh?
"On I'm sorry dear, that's my step sister. We have the same dad, my father married her mother after he divorced mine. She's my only sister sha and we are quite close...."
As he was talking, i interrupted him with my own laughter. I laughed so hard and tears followed... I broke down... Why do men lie so much ?
My heart was heavy as i burst into emotions, i cried...
"Whats wrong Shuga" he asked, i guess he heard me sob even though i tried to keep it low.
"You're lying to me, you're fucking lying ..."
"Haba ... I'm not..." He tried to speak but i interrupted him.
"Bry please don't call me anymore" i said and hung up.
I switched off my phone before he could call back.
Back against the wall, i slid like slime to the ground.
My heart bleed, Bry felt real.
It feels like he's real, but that's how they all seem at first. All loving, so loving you cant see traces of the demon in them.
I want to open up to him, i want to love and feel love. My life's a skeleton, bones ... Most times i feel dead, like a walking dead... A zombie. My heart beats not for any purpose but cos it has to, if it fails then i'll die.
I want my heart to beat, i want to feel warm, i want to be in warm arms and make love to a strong brown d*ck rather than my cold white plastic powered by two batteries.
Bry was here, he was here for me and he seemed real. He said the lady was his sister but how can i believe him ? I can try to verify but what if she's truly his sister? Then i have to give him a chance and risk falling for him. What if i let myself feel and something goes wrong ? I don't think I'm strong enough to handle another heart break, I may go crackers.
I've been there, done that, I've been in this shoes before, way back...
I put a cigarette stick in between my lips and lit it, I took a drag and puffed the smoke.
As the smoke rose high in the air, my mind floated back to the past. University days...
Written by @talesofhearts
13
Deji happened after John (my school boyfriend who i sold indomie with. Remember?).
I dated Deji for a year and two months. At first he was sweet and all, but it all changed after four months.
I remember the first time he slapped me because i argued that i didn't want his friend Osy to bring his side chick to my house; Osy's main chick(Anu) is my friend and i felt like i was betraying her by welcoming his side chick to my house.
"Why are you so opinionated? You always feel like you're so smart" he spat at me.
"Ahn ahn, how did smart enter this one now? I just said i don't want Osy to come here with that girl again! Anu is my friend and i feel bad..."
"Well, sorry Babe but Osy is my friend and i cant chase him away" he cut me short.
I fumed with anger but i held it back, i headed towards the kitchen to check the soup i was cooking.
"Inside my own house again" i murmured.
Few seconds later i felt him pull me forcefully from behind
"Ahn ahn, what is it Deji?"
I got two hot slaps for a reply, my head banged and my ears rang, i sat on the ground to recover from the daze.
"So because I'm in your house that's why abi ? Thats why you feel you can insult me" he shouted.
I was too dazed to speak, i was too shocked to utter a word. This cant be real, how can Deji slap me? How? How?
As i sat on the floor, he began packing up his box of clothes.
"I'm leaving your house today Ego, every time you disrespect me because I'm staying with you..."
As he lamented, i felt hot tears rush down my Maybe it was the burning effect of the slap on my cheeks or my head that banged. Maybe it was because Deji slapped me, someone i never thought could hurt me or maybe it was the fact that he was parking up to leave me ... I burst into tears and wept...
He heard me sob, he stopped parking and came towards me. He sat beside me on the ground and pulled me close. He tucked me into his warm cuddle and kissed my hair.
"I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry i hurt you. I don't know what got into me..." He recited a long emotional plea and i forgave him.
The second time he hit me, he recited same plea and promised never to do it again
The day he bite my nose on a lonely street...
Written by @talesofhearts
13 cont
The day he bite my nose on a lonely street and blood rushed out, he said the same thing. The time he strangled me and dragged me by my hair on the ground he said the same thing
"I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry i hurt you. I don't know what got into me..."
I have the scars Deji gave me till date, its on my body and i see it. Perhaps a tattoo to cover it up but my parents will disown me if it ever got a tattoo.
Ok, let me arrange them for you in descending order. I dated John and and Deji as a virgin then got disvirgined by Joro after which i dated Gozie.
I was still a virgin when i dated Deji, he came but he lived in my house, he wasn't a student of my school but he was always with me. I was young and too naive, i read a lot of mills and boons and watched titanic and one tree hill, indian movies didn't help matters too.
Deji and i didnt have sex but I pleasured him with my mouth and vice versa. I was responsible for feeding and clothing him from the little money my parents gave me.
Stupid right ? Yes i was that stupid. To me life was a fairytale and happily ever afters were real.
What i didn't give Deji in sex i gave him in finances and upkeep. His mother collected all the gifts i bought and prayed for me whenever i bought gifts for her other children.
I wasn't desperate for marriage, i was young so i wasn't really thinking about marriage, i just wanted to do good.
Eventually Deji started talking to a girl all the time, using her as his display picture on social media. When i confronted him, he said
"Its my sister"
"But i know all your sisters..." I argued.
"Well this one is from my fathers first wife" he said.
His brothers and sisters were also involved in the conspiracy, they covered up so well for him.
On his moms birthday party, i was practically the maid. I did all the domestic works, i joined in pounding yam and made pepper soup for the crowd.
His so called "sister" arrived hours later and i even served her, little did i know i was serving my rival. Deji's sisters made sure i stayed busy so i don't find out what's going on?
His sisters partook in the cover up, same sisters who took my best clothes, shoes and makeup at will...
Written by @talesofhearts
13 cont 2
To cut the long story short i found out it was all a lie (i stumbled on their bbm chat), i confronted Deji and he beat me up as usual. This time he didn't beg
"How dare you? Who gave you the right to take Bisi's number and call her? You want to destroy my life?" He shouted.
Deji didn't beg me this time around, he just packed up and left me, He never came back. I tried reaching his sisters but they all stylishly shunned me, his mother said
"If you have issues with Deji, settle it with him. Don't bring me in"
"Who gave you the right to take Bisi's number and call her? You want to destroy my life?" Kept ringing in my head, alongside my broken heart.
After all i did, i wasn't good enough! I later learnt from Anu (osy's girlfriend) that Bisi was a lawyer from a wealthy family, A USA citizen and Deji wanted to marry her for money.
All this while he had been borrowing huge sum of money from me. I would work ushering jobs and he would borrow the money and not pay back, he even borrowed part of my school fees. These money he used to buy Bisi Gifts and win her.
All these while I've been a fool, a cave to lay low for the mean time, a snack to hold off hunger till the main meal, a staircase for climbing.
Yet i gave my all, my everything.
Many of you abuse women who stay with an abusive partner, well if you've not been there you cant know how it feels.
Abusive partners are passionate, Abusive partners are soft, kind and perfect. Every part if them is perfect asides the violent part. Its like a beautiful mansion with one dirty room...
Written by @talesofhearts
13 cont 3
Abusive partners show love in deep ways, in ways normal people don't and they are very good at emotional apology. When they hurt you they roll on the floor, kiss your feet and cry for forgiveness.
They portray their nature as their weakness and they beg you to see them through.
That's why many women stay in violent relationships, not because they are foolish but because they fell in love with a monster who inflicts injury and helps you lick it till its healed. A monster who blackmails you emotionally each time you try to leave, a beast who seems like a perfect gentle man. A werewolf who was human every single day but turns into a wild wolf only during the full moon...
Written by @talesofhearts
14
"Miss Ego, there's a young man and a lady here to see you" the receptionist informed me over the intercom.
Who could that be ? No idea...
"Ok, tell them I'm coming down" i said and hung up.
I saved the document i was typing and headed down stairs, immediately i got to the reception i saw them.
He stood tall leaning on the counter and pressing his phone, she sat on the sofa reading a fashion magazine.
"Hi Bry" i said weakly.
Yes, Bry was here with his supposed sister.
"Hey shuga" he said and hugged me tight.
My heart raced as i felt his warm body pressed against mine.
"I'm at work" i said pulling away from the hug
"Meet my sister Chimamanda but we call her Amanda sha" he said gesturing at her.
She stood up and walked towards me
"Good afternoon Amanda" i made to shake her but she hugged me instead
"I'm a huger, not a shaker" she said.
Seeing her in real life i realised, she and Bry had a striking resemblance.
In that moment i felt stupid.
I smiled back at her when the hug ended, she had a sweet smile like her brother.
"Ok brother we will see later now, it was nice finally meeting you Ego. You look more beautiful in person" she said with a smile
"Aww, thanks dear" i replied
I almost blushed, but hey? I'm negro.
"So i have to go now, Ego ill see you some other time" she hugged me one more time and whoosed away.
"So can we talk in the car?" He said gesturing towards the car.
We walked to the car and got in, he started the engine and the air conditioner came on.
"So... You see now that I'm not lying ? Amanda is my sister" he said...
Written by @talesofhearts
14 cont
"Yea ..." I replied with a smile.
I wanted to just vanish, lawd! I felt so stupid!
I let trauma get to me, i wonder why Bry has refused to go.
He took my palms and squeezed them in between his warm palms.
"I miss you" he said gently.
No, not again! He's appealing to my emotions again. Just then my phone rang, it was Tracy
"Where are you ? Chairman is asking of you o"
"I'm downstairs, i'm coming" i replied.
It was the perfect opportunity to run away from this reunion, a reunion that was getting too emotional for my own good.
"You gotta go now right?" He asked and i nodded with a smile.
"Ok, ill stop by your house tomorrow" he said.
We hugged and i got off the car, i waved at him as he drove away.
As i headed back to my office i realised i didn't even apologise.
When did i become so rude?
Written by @talesofhearts
15
Sexual needs drove me to a porn website, I'm human...
I didn't have extra batteries for my vibrator so i choose my big brown dildo.
I searched for the "big black cock(bbc)" category and a couple of videos showed up, i needed to imagine it was a warm d*ck fucking me and not a toy. I clicked on one and it started playing.
His cock was so big, i wished i could enter the screen, grab it and shove it in my mouth. Damn! I miss sucking a d*ck, the sight of this cock made me dripping wet.
I traced my fingers along my body and goose bumps rose on my skin. The guy bent the big ass black lady on the office table, raised her skirt and parted her panties. He spanked her ass and fucked her aggressively. He kept spanking her ass, i needed something rough and passionate like that.
I parked my breast in my hands and played with my nipples.
"mmmm" i moaned.
I grabbed the dildo, it was big and had outstanding veins on it.
I wet the dildo with my mouth andy slowly inserted it into my wet pussy.
"Ahhhhh" i moaned as it slid into me.
I pulled it out slowly and inserted it again
"Ahhhh" i moaned from pleasure.
The porn guy flipped the lady forward and made her lay on her back. He slid his dick into her pussy and he fucked her good.
Written by @talesofhearts
15 cont
"Oh yea... Fuck me" she moaned like the pornstar which she was.
I fucked my pussy harder with the dildo while i fondled by breast with my other hand.
"Oh yea... Fuck ...yes..." I moaned quietly.
Pleasure spread round me like tiny electrical shocks as i came to climax with the porn actors.
He spilled his sperm on her breast and she smiled. I missed the feel of warm sperm on my skin, i loved nasty things.
I came to climax but i wanted someone to cuddle and not this cold thing, well...
This is your life Ego, face it, accept it and live it.
Whats the use having someone today when you cant guarantee that they will be there tomorrow?
Amidst these thoughts, i slept off and dreamt of purple leaves...
Written by @talesofhearts
16
"Vooooooommmm" the heavy wind blew violently past the windows, the curtains soared and the room darkened.
I dropped my wrap of skunk and went to shut the windows.
I turned off the industrial fan blowing wind in the room and sat down on the sofa opposite him.
"The first rain in the season" Bry said.
"Yea" i nodded and picked up my skunk wrap, it was off.
I lit it again, lifted it to my lips and took a drag, i puffed it.
"Shuga, just give me a chance to get close to you. I just want to be your friend, no strings attached" he said.
Bry sipped the whiskey in his glass and continued
"You already know how i feel about you, i wont deny the fact that i have feelings for you Ego but i understand where you're coming from. Even though you refuse to open up to me, its fine. Just let me be in your life as a friend" he concluded.
What did Bryan Amadi like about me? I'm beautiful but I'm not as beautiful as the girls in America, I'm not even fashionable, I'm just a ragga girl. What did he like about me that made him develop feelings for me? I didn't have the perfect figure eight toned body (although im quite curvy) and ontop of it all i was on the slightly chubby side. I had pimple scars on my face and they were a bit obvious because I'm light skinned.
I had terrible habits and terrible attitude, you wont exactly call me girlfriend material but he was here claiming to have feelings for me.
"What do you like about me? What do you even see in me Bry" i asked him.
There was silence in the room for a while then he spoke
"Honestly, i don't know. Maybe i can see through all this charade, maybe i can see the goodness buried deep inside you ... Or maybe because you are so real, you're the realest person I've ever met shuga and I'm prepared to stay in the friend zone. I just want a place in your life" he said brushing his fingers slightly under my chin.
I smiled, i wanted to jump into his arms and feel. I wanted to feel all the feelings I've been avoiding but it was all too risky.
When i think of being in love i just want to vomit. I wasn't disgusted by love, i was just disgusted by the pains and sorrows it brings...
Written by @talesofhearts
16 cont.
I wasn't disgusted by love, i was just disgusted by the pains and sorrows it brings, the idea that i may feel again makes me want to spill my guts.
"Its ok, we can be friends" i said witj a smile.
Friendship never hurt anyone.
"Thank you shuga" he said with a smile and a wink, taking my free hand in his.
Lawd! That wink ! I love the way words roll out of his mouth, ever met someone who spoke so sexy with ease?
"Its cold, let me have a cigarette stick" he said.
I looked at him with shock, maybe i was in a trance but he was serious
"What? I'm not a smoker. Its just cold that's why i wana smoke" he said.
I handed him a stick of Oritz strawberry flavour and a lighter.
He lifted it to his lips and lit it up, he took a drag and puffed.
I laughed, he smoked like an amateur.
"Why you laughing?" He asked.
"You smoke like a learner" i replied amidst laughter.
"Oh ... So you wana laugh yea ...lets laugh ..." He dropped his cigarette in the ash tray and pounced on me ...
Written by @talesofhearts
16 cont 2
He tickled me playfully and i laughed ...and laughed ..
Then it happened... As i was laughing his lips covered mine... Soft ...
I savoured the kiss.. Soft...tender ... Then it all came flooding back...
Memories... I felt helpless...
He kissed me without my consent ...
I wanted to move, push him away but i felt numb.
It was like i was submerged under water, struggling to breath yet he kept kissing me ... Suddenly i found my strength, i slapped him and pushed him away violently.
He held his cheek
"What's it Ego, why did slap me?" He looked surprised as he asked.
I panted, hyperventilating and fuming
"Get out!" I said quietly
He sat there, looking at me
"Get the hell out!" I screamed.
He looked stunned, he was speechless trying to comprehend what happened.
I pushed him to the door and pushed him out to the rain.
I watched through the window as he walked to his car, the rain soaked him. He got into his car and drove off.
I sat on the bed and sobbed, it was my fault. Bry didn't do anything wrong...
My past haunted me and i was helpless towards it, i lay back. My mind flashed back to the past, my rape encounter....
Written by @talesofhearts
17
I met Preye during my brief transfer at work from Lagos to Akure, he was cool. We connected on deep levels and i had emotional feelings for him.
"Preye, i have feelings for you but ill like to take things slow for now" i replied him when he asked me to be his girlfriend.
He invited me over to his house one sunny afternoon and offered me red wine while we watched "dawn of the planet apes".
I had known him for a few months, he worked in a bank, he didn't have friends or drink much. Preye was cool headed and everyone saw him as a very responsible bachelor.
He sat close to me on the sofa, i could feel his heart race.
He leaned close to me and planted a kiss on my neck, i shoved him off gently
"Mmm... We're taking things slow.." i said
"But you're so beautiful" he replied in a low tone.
He came close and i shoved him off again.
"C'mon Preye..." i said but he didn't relent. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me close.
I got uncomfortable, Preye wasn't like this normally, I've visited him countless times and even slept over at his place. He has always expressed self control.
I stood up to change seats but it set in..
My head was heavy, my entire body felt heavy, i couldn't move, i couldn't feel my legs.
My heart raced and my head spiraled,i was weak.
I collapsed backwards and landed on the sofa.
I gasped for breath, the room rotated in my eyes. I wanted to move but i felt numb.
What was going on? Whats happening to me? All of a sudden my eyes caught the glass of red wine...
Written by @talesofhearts
17 cont
Gradually i realised, Preye must have spiked my drink when i went to use the rest room.
I struggled to stay awake, my sight was blurry as i watched the apes hop from mountain to mountain on the television, my mind was working but my body wasn't.
I sought speech but i was voiceless, i sought to fight him as his lips molested my body, same lips i fantasised about... It felt disgusting right now...
God is merciful, that moment his landlady barged in. He forgot to lock the door, i knew it was God.
"Kilon se fun omo yi?" She raised an alarm...
That was the last thing i heard before i faded away like a fog on a sunny morning ...
*****
I woke up in his landlady's flat, he was holding my hand.
"Ego, I'm so sorry for what happened. I don't know what got into me, Please forgive me. I told them you drank too much alcohol. Please don't tell them what happened..." he pleaded when i woke up.
I didn't talk, i stood up and walked out. I didn't curse him, i didn't tell anyone, i didn't want the stigma and attention as "that girl that was almost raped".
I never made another friend in Akure, few months later i was transferred back to Lagos.
Karma is real, Last year Preye was beaten to death for raping a teenager on their street. I saw it on Instablognaija, i didn't know weather to be happy or sad.
Sometimes its people we trust, people we open our hearts to that haunt us...
Preye died but the trauma didn't die, i still have panic attacks, i still feel helpless in my dreams....
Written by @talesofhearts
18
"There's someone here to see you sir... Ok ... Ok" the receptionist finished and dropped the phone receiver.
"Room 105 is upstairs by the right" she said to me.
As i climbed upstairs to Bry's room, my heart raced. How will he react ? Will he kick me out? I didn't tell him i was coming to his hotel to visit. I knew his room number already
"Im in room 105" he told me countless times
"in case you decided to visit, you are free to come by anytime" but i never visited him till today.
I know i treated him like trash and i was here to rectify that.
I stood at the door, my feet turned cold. I let out a deep breath and gathered courage to knock. As i raised my hand to knock, the door opened.
"Hi" he said dryly.
He stood by the door clad in white Tee's and blue jean shorts.
"Come in" he gestured.
I walked in slowly and sat on the chair.
"Care for anything ?" He asked
"Ermm... No" i replied looking down.
I couldn't look him in the eyes.
He sat on the bed, far from me.
"Whats going on? How have you been?" He asked carelessly.
"Good, you?"
"I'm OK, the rain didn't kill me" he replied.
I felt guilty
"I'm sorry Bry..." I started.
He was quiet, he didn't speak. I stood up and headed towards him, i sat beside him on the bed
"I'm sorry Bry" i tried touching him.
His next reaction shocked me, he flared up
"Don't you dare touch me Ego! Whats wrong with you ? What did i do wrong ? This minute I'm kissing you and you seem to like it the next minutes you slap me and push me out in the rain!
whats wrong with you ? What have i done to you? Why do you keep treating me like trash when all I've ever done is treat you like a queen?"
He fumed, he turned his back on me and clenched his fist.
I sat down, i felt cold like someone drenched in ice. He was speaking the truth, when did i become so cruel ? I know I'm cold emotionally but when did i become cruel.
Tears trickled down my eyes...
It was time to finally open the bottle ...
Written by @talesofhearts
19
I want to talk, i want to share how i feel but I cant find my voice.
Sharing makes you vulnerable, sharing makes you weak.
Its easier to bottle up the emotions, use the bottled up emotions to build a wall. My wall was tall, very tall, it protected me from the war.
I spent years building this wall, it took me sweat, tears, real and abstract blood.
How can i pull it down? How can i face the war and fight on love's battle field like everyone else?
"Bryan" i started.
It was time to pull it down, put myself out there, expose my heart to the sun in the arena. Bry deserved it, I've put him through a lot of emotional stress. The only wrong he ever did was fall in love with a broken girl, it was time to end his suffering. At least if he knew he would understand.
"Bry ..." I started.
"Shut up! You want to open up? You want to be weak again ? The last person you opened up to, in fact all the people you ever opened up to in the past how did it turn out ?" My pessimistic mind warned me.
I plastered her mouth with a tape
"Go girl" my optimistic mind gave me a thumbs up.
I gathered courage and started.
"Bry, I've been through a lot... I've been hurt countless times..." My voice faded away.
He came and sat beside me, he took my hands in his
"Its ok shuga, talk to me"
I wanted to tell it all, start from the top and tell it all but my courage life line was running out. I had to act fast
"I'm damaged Bry, I'm spoilt goods. There is no strength left in me, I've used it all up. I've been battered, exploited, shunned and broken in the name of love. Bry I've been a fool... I've done stupid things for love, I've made sacrifices and reaped pain; a seed ive never sown" i wept.
He drew me into his arms and i rested on his shoulders
"Its ok ..." He pet me
"Bry, I'm empty. I'm weak, I'm a coward, I'm not as strong as other women. I'm drained, i cant do it anymore... I just want to die so i stop feeling this pain, its not like I'm of any use on earth. I'm even too coward to end my suffering... So i just drown in drugs, they take me out of this world ...I'm tired..I'm tired... Perhaps i wasn't meant to be here at all, maybe an angel mistakenly sent me to earth...
Written by @talesofhearts
19 cont
Maybe an angel mistakenly sent me to earth, I'm not strong enough to cope here..." I sobbed into his warm embrace.
"Shhh... Its ok, its ok ..." He said as he stroked my hair.
In those moments , a hole was poked into my walls. I felt fresh breeze from the ocean stream into my world.
Bry separated from the hug and sat face to face with me
"You are what you tell yourself Ego, you are not weak. You are strong..."
"No I'm not..." I argued amidst tears
"Yes you are... a lot of people are passing through worse than you and they don't break down, yes. Same way a lot of people pass through less than what you passed through and resorted to suicide. Those people are weak they didn't have the courage to fight through..." He wiped my tears with his palms, he smiled and looked into my eyes
"You are not damaged shuga, you have a beautiful soul..."
"No, I'm cursed, I've never known love in my life... People always leave me, no one has ever loved me back" as i opened up to him, i wept... Gradually my heart which was heavy felt lighter...
"but I'm here now shuga... Let me love you" he whispered into my ears.
I sank deep into thoughts, i shook my head.. No ... He deserved better... Bry was a good guy and he didn't need my drama.
"Bry, i need to fix myself..."
"I can help..." He said
"No... You don't know the depth of the rot..."
"Tell me..." He persuaded me.
I smiled both from pain and freedom.
"No ... Just be my friend. It wont be fair for you to love me when i cant love you back in return. You deserve better Bryan... Don't argue please" i said clamping his mouth shut.
He looked into my eyes, i could see his hurt, the disappointment in his eyes...
"Its ok, friends is cool if you say so. Just know ill be there waiting, for as long as i can..."
We sat in each others arms, my heart felt lighter. I could feel the cool breeze from the window on my face... I felt like a hole had been poked into my walls...
Written by @talesofhearts
20 Epilogue
"91.7 Access FM, this is your girl Ego of life signing out. Tune in next week for another wonderful episode. Bye guys"
I wrapped up my show and walked out of the studio. I said a few "Hello's" here and there and headed out of the radio station.
I know y'all are surprised, how did i turn from a civil servant to a radio presenter. Well, I'm still a civil servant but i now have a live radio show and i broadcast on Saturday mornings.
Its been five months since Bry travelled back to Canada, he's not coming back till December (which is next month anyways).
Good news, I'm no longer a Junkie but i still smoke occasionally; i mean quitting is like the hardest thing on earth. I doubt if i can ever fully quit, but Bry thinks i can(I've smoked just 6 times in five months, something that used to be my daily routine ).
I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore because i gave my life a purpose. I started my raido show "calm my heart". Its a show where i reach out to people and give relationship advice based on my personal experiences. I guess God let me pass through all i did so i can prevent others from passing through the same.
My show is doing so well and i have major sponsors already, its not really about the money, but the joy that comes with impacting peoples lives and getting positive testimonies.
I'm trying to avoid fame but its trying to seek me out by force, ill keep running sha ... Lol.
As i stood waiting for my cab, my phone vibrated, it was a message from Bry. He Sent me a picture of two ties.
Bry: Red or black?
Me: Black 😊
Bry: Thanks shuga 💋
Bry and i talk all the time, i don't know the kind of friendship we are having.
My mother thinks that age isn't on my side, she says i have to get married soon. I'm 27 and unbothered, i wont let the society drive me to madness and i wont live in their sad matrix.
I'm going to take my time to heal and stay sane. If i ever get married; fine. If not? Fine! We all have different parts to thread in life...
Written by @talesofhearts
20 cont
Bry and i are really close and im enjoying our friendship. Tracy says we are dating, she thinks we will take it to the next level and even have sex when he comes in December but i don't want to believe that, i don't know...
I mean we don't sext or say romantic things, we are just very invested in each others lives.
Sometimes i feel like I've grown feelings for him but i cant say for sure. I mean this feeling is calm, I'm not worried that I'm feeling it, I'm not worried that he will wake up one morning and fade away. I'm just at peace with whatever happens...
Does that mean that I'm fully healed? I don't know...
Let me just end the story here cos i cant tell it all no matter how hard i try.
I told you this story doesn't have a moral lesson, its just rantings; an out pour of emotions from a damaged girl.
I don't know if you ended up enjoying this story, i don't know if it even made sense. I don't know if y'all can relate at all...
I don't even know how to give the story a befitting end, i think ill just sign out with an advice.
Treat people well, don't be responsible for anyone's emotional death. I've passed through physical and emotional abuse and ill say emotional abuse is worse.
Its a form of personality murder. You can heal easily from physical abuse, it may leave visible scars but you will move on.
Emotional abuse almost never heals, its abstract injury. The trauma lives on for years(some people are strong and can live through it, but some victims who are weak take their own lives).
Emotional abuse changes you, makes you empty and miserable, you never remain the same... You cant truly live because of trauma...
Whatever happens, don't be responsible for another persons emotional death, its a form of murder ...
THE END
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Thanks for reading 💝
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